cheap thrills at the airport

My honey and I just made it home after a blissful 4+ days at a marriage enrichment conference in VA Beach put on by the amazing people from CCEF.  We learned so much and I can't wait to share all of the pearls of wisdom with y'all over the next couple of weeks. 

The one bumpy part of our trip was today at the airport.  

Do you have a nightmarish airport story to share? 

We have several but today took the cake.  

I mean hands down, this was a doozie.  

Were y'all aware that there were new security regulations?  Sweet husband mentioned something on the way over to VA about some poor woman getting fondled by security and it getting caught on tape.  But I wasn't really paying attention until this afternoon at 1:26 in the p.m.  

We had already stripped ourselves of jewelry, metal, shoes, hair clips, dignity when I walked through the little beeper archway and the inspector smirked while he chose me to enter the pat down area.  I thought nothing of it, having already forgotten Jeff's story.  They called out an imperceptible codeword and a little, older woman who looked a lot like Nurse Ratchet rambled over.  Inspector Ratchet spoke broken English.  She explained that I had been chosen (but not in a Miss America contestant way)

and that she'd need to "pat" me down. 

Boy did she ever...

y'all we are talking free breast exam, crotch check, heck she even pulled back my pants waistline and saw my unspeakables.  Now if you haven't flown lately let me describe the "pat down area", it is a clear glass cubicle room on full display to all the other passengers and security workers, and any pervert sitting on a bench munching popcorn getting an x-rated show.  I think Mrs. Inspector Ratchet could tell I was getting a little verklempt, also-known-as-mad-as-somewhere-very-hot.  

Girlfriend here about lost it when she had the audacity to tell me that in the future I could probably avoid being physically fondled in public, "patted down", if I would wear tight fitting clothes.    "I beg your pardon", I shrilly said through clenched teeth, I am not 16, and I am not dressing like a tramp just so I can avoid a "pat down".  

Unfortunately the 4 men in our quaint cubicle were eyewitnesses to a bona fide "hissy fit" in the making.  By the time I emerged from the cubicle Mrs. Ratchet was apologizing for her misuse of words.   If you haven't yet mastered the English language should you really be in charge of such a specialized security detail? 

Just sayin'.  

Needless to say we missed our flight.  I'm grateful dear husband and I had just spent 4 relaxing days learning about lovely things such as communication, kindness, love.  He sure had a fabulous opportunity to practice these skills on his wife who could probably be heard two states away saying though gritted teeth: I'mcallingtheFAA,goregisteracomplaintohmygoodnessijustgotfeltupforfree almostfullblownhissyfit mode. 

Good news is we made it home safely and I have learned some very important travel tips that I am going to share with y'all, free of charge:

1.   When flying it is appropriate, stylish, and necessary to wear 80's, vintage, head to toe lycra

2    Try encouraging your "inspector" with words like, "a little to the right"

3.   Smile and wink at other passengers who were not chosen, they are more than likely very jealous not to  have had the privilege of being selected

4.   If you are selected to enter into the clear cubicle of x-rated fondling, go with it, start moaning like Meg  Ryan in that famous scene from "When Harry Met Sally"

5.   slip your inspector your phone # as you saunter away

happy flying and thank goodness for funny comedy clips like this...

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